It was 2:30 am and I was lying flat on the bed, staring at our unmoving fan, with a massive ball of pressure in my sacral, unable to sleep.
I had tried to listen to podcasts, meditate, and even journal. Nothing helped. And it was getting slightly difficult to breathe.
I was feeling unworthy - not good enough.
If you've been around this space before you might know that 2024 was a year of deep stillness for me. I hardly worked, going through massive internal transformations, almost like in my own bubble. It was intense but safe.
Now? It's been 2 months since I've come out of my shell, and one month since I started working (writing, creating offers, rebranding, recording podcast episodes and setting up coffee chats with like-minded people).
The first month? I felt like a newborn. Every single experience seemed brand new, but it was still the same in a way. My city’s roads, conversations, places I've visited all through my childhood, trees, birds, dogs, cows…everything.
I had to get used to working again, getting excited for the days to come w.r.t work, being ambitious (well the definition has changed, still) and most importantly defining my dreams.
Last month, I knew I wanted to create an offer where people on their spiritual paths could learn or get used to trusting their intuition and wisdom better. I had no idea what it'd look like, so I just set intentions out to the universe.
And by the end of Dec, I knew exactly what I wanted to create…though I was shit terrified. It was a massive download, a massive barrage of visions…of what I needed to do. I still remember getting goosebumps and my heart expanding every time I thought of it.
I mean it still does.
But now, along with it were fears I never expected.
(You know those times when you think you've worked through shit, only for it to bite in your ass again later? Yup! That happened!)
“How do I sell? Invite people?” [My whole body freezes when I think about selling. One thing I've been consciously working through]
“Who's going to trust me enough to pay?”
“What if they end up having a bad experience and wasting their money?”
“What if they have mental health issues and I make it worse?”
“Am I even good enough to lead a group?”
Oh, what an irony.
I wanted to (still do) lead a group of amazing people in listening to their intuition when I wasn't able to shut my mind or process my emotions myself.
When my friend
said: “Oh we can keep it to a small group. You know? About 20-30 folks?”I freaked the fuck out even more, even though on the outside my masculine loved and craved the challenge, the adrenaline rush. I went all in on creating the landing page and poster, crafting the experience and more with her.
Then? It became too real.
The fears couldn't be boxed up anymore. They sprang out like those jokers out of a box.
And there I was trying to journal the shit out of my emotions, forcing myself to process and get on to the next stage as soon as possible. With a massive ball of pressure still tied to my sacral. Hadn't I learned my lesson all these years?
When the Universe throws you a curveball
That evening I spoke to a dear friend
.Somehow, as soon as I saw her, I ended up word-vomiting about all my pent-up fears. Yup, she had that effect.
This is how the conversation went on:
“I know whatever is meant to happen will happen. If people are meant to come they will. But I'm also scared.”
She asked, “Shruthi when you say you know…You know that when you keep your feet on the floor when you get out of bed you'll be supported. Are you so sure about your knowing? Is that what you mean?”
That's when it hit me…”No. I don't know. I don't trust.”
Guilt hit me like bullets in my chest. I won't deny I went into a mini spiral. How could I lose trust in the universe, god, and my guides when they've supported me every step of the way? When they exactly know what I need and give me that? When they knew when to push me and keep me safe?
That's when Renee burst out laughing. Like a bit less than howling laughter.
And she dropped some mega bombs.
“Shruthi, forgetting is a part of remembering!”
She saw a vision of my higher self leaning her head back, guaffing at what I was going through saying something like, “Oh you stupid girl”.
Going on to say, “Shruthi you're sitting in the classroom when you're supposed to be in the playground! You're like that kid who takes all her books and immerses herself in studying sitting on the sides when everyone else is playing! Don't you see?”
The pressure in my chest suddenly dissipated. I could breathe again.
It felt like I was looking at Renee for the first time properly since the call started while processing her words.
When it’s not my job to care
Tbh, I started writing this edition the same evening. My soul craved to put these experiences out there, and I binge-wrote a much longer version.
But…it somehow felt like I was still missing a piece of the puzzle. A piece that was supposed to be a part of this edition. Also, while the fear had dissipated completely, I still wasn’t feeling confident & secure in my body.
Then last Friday, it happened.
I was on a coffee chat with a dear friend
, and we were talking about trust, synchronicities, abundance and universe when I was hit by a sudden download.You see, unknown to me, I had returned to my “manic manifestation” phase for a new client and the offer I was going to release. Every single day for 2 weeks, I listened to guided manifestation meditations, forcing myself to feel worthy, visualising my future, every aspect of the events I wanted to experience and more! I guess that was the core of my “forgetting” phase too.
And in that call, with a person I felt like I’ve known for lifetimes, my soul said:
“Shruthi, you’re not ready for the clients. At least in the way that you’re seeking for. Your job is to only follow my guidance every single day. I will provide you what you need at the right moment and not what you want. Can you do that?”
“Your job is to strengthen your voice, connect with like minded souls, serve wherever possible, and trust me. That’s it. Thinking about the outcome is not your job. You haven’t been able to control it anyways.”
The relief I felt in that moment was out of the world. Uncomprehensible!
See, often we know things theoretically. But it takes some time for our bodies and minds to come to terms with it, you know? That’s what happened!
What??!! I don’t need to think of the outcomes? I can just be? And follow your guidance??!! WOOOOOWWWW!
The mind-boggling part? One hour after I had the conversation with Valarie, my friends randomly called my husband & me, informed us that they were visiting right away, and gave us early perfect-as-hell birthday presents! What a fucking synchronicity!
Shifting my WHY from ego to soul
Even though the idea of launching the 10-day circle/challenge/community (haven’t found the right word yet), came from my soul, I instantly recognised that my mind/ego had taken over the “marketing” process. I associated the process too much with my self-worth, even if that was the last thing I wanted to do.
But the best part?
The whole experience made me feel more grounded in my body, more loving, and confident in myself…and has reminded me of my WHY. My job is to simply hold space for people who come in - irrespective of how many.
And yesterday, when catching up with Alicia, both of us recognised that we were led to the same conclusions, albeit in different paths…and it felt so beautiful!
That’s why we’re moving the circle to Jan 28th - Feb 6th 2025 (It feels absolutely right!)
I haven’t lost my fear of sales completely. I know it’ll pop up from time to time. But I’m not confident that I can at least listen to my intuition and not force shit only to make “SALES”!!!
I realise that I can take things one step at a time, and do my bestest work to support those inside the circle.
That’s all we can do anyway, right? And I have a deep knowing that this is how businesses are supposed to be run! With bright lights shining from inside us while feeling deep peace, stillness and joy.
Until next time,
Shruthi
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