Crash and Burn
After months of signs, my body finally screeched to a stop.
I experienced my first massive burnout in 4 years three weeks ago.
The last time I felt something bone-deep like this was when I had just quit my job, back when I didn’t even know what burnout was or felt like.
It had seemingly hit me from nowhere then, and I didn't know how to see the signs.
This time I did, yet I still went ahead until…
My body literally screeched to a stop: “Yup, no more! You’re not moving an inch right now.”
It was like all the extra systems had been shut down and only the minimum functionalities were left working. Like a hard drive undergoing a full reset, taking its own time to boot up. Digestive systems, sinus, muscles, creativity, gut…everything.
It's still in progress by the way.
On one end, I felt weak, tiny, and stupid.
Like I had gone backward somehow in my spiritual journey. “Shouldn’t I have known? Shouldn’t I have seen the signs and stood up for myself before it could reach this level?” Like I should have automatically anticipated it somehow and stopped it.
And, on the other hand, I DID see it coming. I'd be lying otherwise. Of course, I didn’t expect it to manifest this badly, but I knew something was up—especially when I couldn’t feel my body anymore, and all I could feel was the constant ungroundedness. And being in my head all the time.
Since February, I had been pushing my body beyond its limits. Resting the bare minimum, and rushing forward the second I felt an iota of energy, even when so much was going on. The rest that also seemed useless because my brain never stopped working.
I’m genuinely not someone considered an overthinker, but suddenly I was fully in that category.
Compounding it all, we also didn’t have anyone to help at home (a story for another day), and circumstantially, most of the house chores ended up falling on me without me even realizing it. And I am NOT a house-chores person.
My body tried to warn me.
I kept getting sick in one way or another: a shoulder muscle stretch, copper poisoning, food poisoning, massive headaches behind my eyebrows—which is always a tell-tale sign for me—and one of the worst bouts of cold to name a few. Don’t even get me started on the unexplainable exhaustion and frustration of simply not being able to feel my physical self.
Yet, the one thing my brain kept screaming was: “Shouldn’t you have recovered by now? Shouldn’t you feel better by now?”
As though somehow our bodies work on timelines defined by us. As though I had to be “worthy” enough to be burnt out. That’s what it felt like: “What have you DONE to feel burnt out?? What have you even achieved?”
In a weird way, I felt like all my spiritual work had gone down the drain. I was exhausted from being exhausted. And beneath that, I believe I was beyond angry, and had so much of it stored in my body (wrath or furious might be a better term).
I was angry from the constant cycle of death, rebirth, and the frantic in-betweens I’ve been experiencing for the last few years. I was angry at all the crap happening in the world, especially seeing so many women and children affected by the stupidity and egos of men. I was exhausted from being so sensitive, from absorbing everything, and from not being able to find words for the sheer volume of emotions I experience. (I finally sort of found them in the last few weeks and had a conversation with my partner—what a damn liberating feeling). I was angry that my body and intuition were not working the way I wanted them to.
It was too overwhelming. It was ungrounding. I couldn’t figure out heads or tails of why this was happening.
Some beautiful things did come out from this, though. When you hit a level of exhaustion like nothing before, you finally set boundaries and expectations.
I put a full stop to the Stride Room, a program I was planning to release this month. I did it without an ounce of guilt, shame, or care for what people would think. This is the second time I’ve put a pause on this launch.
The old Shruthi would have drowned or hidden herself in a deep, deep corner out of embarrassment. But this time, I didn’t even have the energy to give two fucks, lol. That’s how exhausted I was. I don’t know if I’d ever release the program again. I still believe it came through me for a reason, and someday it probably will return, either in its current or a different form.
Then, I radically shifted things at home. I immediately hired help, like my tail got on fire. It happened so fast in a single day it would have felt like whiplash if I wasn’t so tired. About 3/5th of the house chores were suddenly delegated; I didn’t have to break my head about them anymore.
For the rest, I set firm boundaries with my husband about the division of labor. It was so easy for me to accidentally take on more just because I work from home and he goes to an office. Oh my gosh, what a damn relief. If things aren’t clearly spoken out, nothing gets done and everything feels like murky waters.
I also cancelled a family trip. Again, the old Shruthi wouldn’t have even imagined it. Cancel? When people in the family are depending on you for the mode of transport? When they’ve made full-fledged plans? No way.
But I did. And I’m so proud of myself for it.
I even allowed myself to spend money on an auto (a 3-wheeled vehicle in India) to and from swimming. Before all this, I used to force myself to walk the 1.8km back and forth to the pool (3.6km total).
I did allow myself to take an auto on some days, or asked my husband to drop me off, but most days I dragged myself through the walk (I don’t drive or ride due to a massive road fear). Swimming was the one thing I refused to let go of, so I allowed myself the grace of convenience to hold onto it—even if it meant spending much more than I expected.
The weirdest ah-ha moment came from our eating out bill, which was the most exorbitant its been in years. Looking at it hit me like a ton of bricks. Because until then, I was trying my hardest to juggle a billion balls at once. The bill made me realise that juggling itself was futile. It felt like the body saying: “Let all the balls fall. It’s completely okay. Then see what stays.”
Here’s the best part. The one thing I did ask from the universe was to support me through this all: financially, emotionally, and spiritually.
And I was answered.
I received two clients out of nowhere, right when I had stopped everything other than client calls and also got a chance to not work for almost two weeks. I started journaling again, and at the exact right time, found a program to get back into my body and intuition through writing ( Jo Porritt’s Soma to Story). My partner was understanding beyond anything I could comprehend too.
I am genuinely so, so grateful.
I’m still healing. One step, one day at a time.
The sensitivities have gone to an all-time high. I can’t process refined flour or too much gluten anymore. My body is automatically calling me toward routines, forcing me to take care of my physical health—food, movement, supplements—alongside my soul. It feels entirely different from who I used to be. I was always a “soul” person, never a “taking care of the body” person. It’s refreshing.
I’m also being called to move, but with play again. Hikes, badminton, swimming... as someone who has been a completely non-active person for years, it feels beautiful.
Like: Me???? Are you sure??
It feels ironical, funny, and so completely right, lol.
I still don’t know why this happened, and I don’t think I’ve finished learning all the lessons yet. But I’ve stopped clinging onto the why.
My body keeps giving signs. And it’s time to not put any damn rules to it. All I need to do is listen.
Shruthiiiii! I understand only too well just how you feel physically. I’ve walked that path many times, I didn’t listen until my spine almost gave out. And I’m a somatic therapist! The reason why we do this? The patterns driving us to ignore our actual capacity run deep; they are usually running from an out of date perspective and the body knows these maladaptive patterns can’t be superceded until you understand them from the soma. Not the mind.
They’re hard lessons to learn, but in the listening and the slowing you’ll see more support emerging than the hustling was giving.
There’s so much I could write here, but in the meantime I’m so happy to have you on my embodied writing series! And I’m so grateful for your honest share about where you find yourself right now. So many feel these things but struggle to name it.
💙 In the workshop I’ll be sharing how we can learn to orient to sensation, image and metaphor from the body as wisdom, not as something to fix 💙
Shruthi, I’m proud of you for taking the action you needed when you needed to! Should you have seen it coming? Nah, it knows how to hide itself from you better than anything.
But you still took action for self care. Bravo sister, bravo!!! Give yourself a hug for me. 🤗