Rewiring My Toxic Relationship with Goals

What if the real shift happens not when you chase the goal—but when you face who you become around it?

Jun 10, 2025

I remember launching my first ever group program somewhere around June 2023.

It was a one-month cohort, and I was truly excited. Terrified too—since I had never run one before.

I’d set a goal: 5–6 participants.

The first one entered within 20 minutes of launching. Not even kidding. I felt on top of the world. So seen. So validated. Like I was on the right track.

But after that... silence.

For 2 weeks, nothing moved. And my worst fear started gnawing at me:

What if just one person signs up?

What if I have to awkwardly stare at them while they’re wondering,

“Umm... wasn’t this supposed to be a group program? Where’s the group, woman?!”

Thankfully, two more people joined in the next week, which made it a “group.”

But the whole process was filled with friction, push-pull, and constant identity whiplash. Most importantly, desperation…which made me feel so weak.

And now I see—that same cycle kept repeating with every single offer I had put out:

I’d set a goal
Start executing with full energy
Hit a lull
Begin spiraling into self-doubt
Get frustrated, say fuck it and give up
And then… set a new goal. Because I’m an “ambitious, fiery woman,” right?

It was a loop. A toxic one at that.

Eventually, I swung to the other extreme—surrender, trust, and divine timing.

Which, honestly, were some of the most beautiful gifts I’ve ever received, no doubt.

But somewhere along the way, that pendulum swing morphed into something else: I lost trust in myself.

I began believing that unless the message arrived “from my soul,” I couldn’t put something out into the world.

Even when something was deeply close to my heart. Even in exchange for energy or money.

What showed up on the surface as frustration… was actually shame.

“It’s not like I set a big number. Just 5 signups.
And I still couldn’t bring in five people? Really??”

I was questioning my worth.

It reminded me of being a student again—after every exam, my parents would ask:

“How much do you think you’ll score?”

I’d always answer with something higher than what I ended up getting. Even after spending night and day studying. Every single time…all through school and college.

(Except in maths. Maths always had my back.)

Teachers would tell my parents during PTMs:

“Shruthi is a really good student…but she always over-promises and under-delivers. She talks too much but it never shows in results.”

Now I suspect that maybe it was neuro divergence. Because I used to teach concepts to groups of friends, but somehow score lower than all of them.

I’m just realising this pattern now as I write.

There was always this undercurrent of shame:

Other people could predict what they could or couldn’t achieve. Why couldn’t I?
And when I did set goals... why did I never hit them?

Back then, I’d soothe myself through kind words from friends:

“Even the biggest coaches started with one signup.”
“Speak to the one person in the room. Build from there.”
“You’re doing amazing babe. One step at a time.”

God bless them. They truly meant well. But it never really healed anything. Just placed another bandage over the wound.

Surprisingly—but not really—I’ve never had more than 5 sign ups for a paid group program (workshop, group ‘coaching’, one-week programs…you name it).

Which led to a new identity:

“Oh, I probably just perform best in small containers.”

Add money trauma to the mix?

Perfect recipe.

Here’s the thing though:

These identities and ego voices only showed up during the in-between.

Because when I was creating the offering, when I was running the sessions—I was fully immersed.

Channeling. Flowing. Alive. The soul was leading. Loved every second of it. And those programs were some of the best experiences I’ve ever had.

I’ve made deep soul bonds, dear friends, unforgettable connections.

That’s why it took me so long to understand why the whole process felt so heavy.

When I flipped to the other side, it was with the best of intentions.

But like most things in life, I didn’t notice when it crossed a line and began harming.

I became obsessed with collaborations.

I told myself they were beautiful. Soulful. The best way to build a business. And working with friends is so much fun! What more could I ask for?

And it was absolutely true.

But deeper down…

I was terrified of putting something out on my own—especially if money was involved.

I’d either collaborate, or not move at all.

Got completely (maybe not the right word, but close) addicted to inner work and journaling. To the point it almost became a full time job.

Told myself:

“If I’m meant to release something… my soul will tell me.”

Guess what?

It stopped telling me anything.

I could feel its presence—but not a single message came through. Completely utterly quite. Suddenly in the last 5 months:

Three collaborations fell through.
Client invitations fell through—even if my mind screamed “they’re perfect fits!”
Soul and guides? Completely silent.

The great thing out of this is that…there was always 0.01% of me that didn’t fully trust the channelings or visions.

That part died last month.

Because if it was truly my mind’s imagination, I should have been able to “imagine” them back, right? (Don't even know if it's true at this point, but hey, it feels good for now!)

I freaked the fuck out.

Between the silence, the stagnation, the overthinking, the identities... I was spiraling.

ChatGPT said something that stung in all the right ways:

“You’ve learned that if you surrender and wait for the ‘right’ guidance, you can’t be blamed for the outcome. This protected you from disappointment. But it also eroded your self-trust.” (Ouch!)
“You assume your ego is tainted. But sometimes the soul uses the mind as a speaker. The suspicion has created separation within. All your moral policing about spirituality, purity and more has suffocated freedom.”

Ooooffff.

When you’re really desperate for divine guidance… the universe delivers.

Just not in the way you expect.

For me, it came through a friend. We met for something else. The conversation went elsewhere (as usual)

But somethings he said hit like a bullet. Awakened something deeper:

“As long as you keep fighting with the ego, it’ll exist. Because that’s just identity fighting itself. When you fight with the ego… you’re constantly prodding that something’s wrong in you.”

A few weeks prior, I’d already realised two things:

I have a massive ego.
My ego is terrified of itself.

And ever since, I’d been fighting different parts of me, obsessing over “spiritual people shouldn’t have ego!!”

After that call, I asked myself something simple:

Can I just accept my ego today? Not fix it. Not banish it. Just… witness it?

That evening, I broke down.

Cried for half an hour.

And then I slept like a baby because of intense exhaustion.

The next morning was... deeply different.

Something had shifted.

And as I saw all the identities, all the stories, I made space for the truth: I want big things. And I don’t want to apologise for it anymore.

Yes, I want to run large groups.
Yes, I want more clients.
Yes, I want to earn wildly and live beautifully.
Yes, I want to give and donate and pour into causes that matter.
Yes, I want to stretch how I hold and think about money.

And all of it gets to exist alongside my soul’s work.

One doesn’t reduce the worth of other. I don't think I was supposed to sacrifice for service in this lifetime at all.

That day, I took on a challenge — release a digital product after 3 years.

Not for outcomes. But for the pure joy and experience of it.

To witness walk with the identities that rise along the way. Especially on the darkest days.

To become more aware. More rooted.

And to make it sacred again.

Listening to what I thought was the mind, was terrifying…but also exciting in a way? The layers of ego, identities and soul are so nuanced…and every day we're peeling the layers, that I've learned to not hang onto any realisation or “truth”. Because at this point? It's seriously confusing and overwhelming to decode.

This is the promise I made to myself:

I’ll build and release it in public, writing as I go.
I’ll give it my all for 30 days.
I’ll treat every part of it with reverence—not because I’m waiting for a result, but because it deserves that kind of love.
I'll honour all parts of me that come up. Not shun, bash or box them up.
I’ll hold the goal of earning $300–$500 in net sales—not as a test of worth, but as a first, clear step into something bigger. To understand the fine line between goals and surrender.

For once, I want to let my action be the prayer.

And my soul—my ego—my body… all walk as one.

It’s time.

Not because someone told me to.

Not because the signs pointed to yes.

But because my body said:

“We’re ready.”

P.S.: If my words have ever anchored you, moved something in your heart, or simply reminded you of your power, you can now support my work here. This space will always be free, but if you feel called to give, it’s deeply received.

P.P.S: If you’re new here—hi, I’m Shruthi.

I channel truth from the cosmos, from the soul, and the shadow. My work is rooted in remembering who the fuck you are, integrating what you’ve run from, and reclaiming the power you never lost. I guide souls like you to stop bypassing and start becoming.

This space isn’t for performance. It’s for permission.

To feel. To rise. To return.

If this message moved something inside you…I want to hear from you. Let me know what surfaced. Share your letter if you wrote one—I’ll hold it in the deepest reverence. Or just say, “That was me. I needed this.” Whatever your soul calls you to do.

Remembering SELF

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